On Living With A Mental Disability

Life is trying and failing and trying and failing and trying again, over and over. You reach a great place, the place where you feel you belong. You stay there for a while, then something goes wrong and you go dark for awhile. Rolling over and over in the darkest parts of you like a pig in mud. And you stay that way until you decide to get up again.  Getting up again and failing and getting up again, is life. The highs and the lows, the failure and the trying again. This is life. To settle for failure is mere existence, to settle for misery and never becoming who you could be. Settling for failure means you give up on your future, and to get up again is to decide, daily, to live.

The fight is hard, it is every day, it is unrelenting. This is what makes us crack. What makes us wallow in sadness and despair. But one day (and no one can tell you when it is time for you to get up, this is something only you can know) you will be inspired, and you will start again. Innumerable times I have thought, this is it, I'm staying here forever. It's easy, and it's painless. Giving up is seductive as fuck. It's a warm bed calling to you, a siren's song of all the terrible things that have happened to you because you got back up. Calling you back to the warm, secure safety of doing nothing. I'm always tempted to say, This Is Who I Am Now. I'm done running after a dream. A mind that wants to do the easiest thing (because the easiest thing cannot hurt you) will tell you anything to get you to listen.

But deciding to try again, and again, and again-facing pain and fear and discomfort, purposefully choosing all the things that make you want to run- choosing this is what makes you a warrior. A phoenix.

Many, many times I have wallowed in my room, painting my nails black and binging Netflix, thinking, "This is it. I'm done. I give up. I GIVE UP. I am so done, I'm not strong enough, it never ends, when will it be over? When can I just be done?"

But the truth is, you can never be done. You will always fall, and you will always get back up. Understand that. You will never be done. Your fight will never be over. But it will get easier. You will get stronger.

I hold this hope close to me every day, slogging through the challenges like concrete in the daily struggle, knowing that as long as I keep going (and I can't help but keep going) it will get easier every time. If I remember the cycle, recognize that with every downswing there will be an upswing, and the journey will get easier, I am able to keep going. I hold the dream of my ideal self in front of me and I fucking run.

Sometimes I fall. Everyone falls. I am writing this while planning my upswing from a deep chasm. But I'm on my way up. I learn from the things that didn't work before, the things that made me fall. Strict routines, repetition, long-term goals. The words 'should' and 'forever'. You will learn from your failures, and use this knowledge later so you won't fall down the same holes. 

Two years ago I fell as deep as I have ever been. But I rose from those ashes just the same as I will rise from these. Though in my darkness I tell myself I'm weak, that I'll never be anything, the truth is I already am something. I'm a phoenix. And if you're alive today with a mental disability, you are too (even if you're reading this from bed).

How To Stay Sane If You Live With Toxic People But Can't Get Out

I've seen people asking this question on various sites, but usually the answer given is 'just get out, there is always a way'. This is incredibly unhelpful, uneducated advice, because for some people, there is no way. Like me, for instance. I'm trying my hardest to get a job and get out on my own, but right now I am completely destitute and my 2 friends live far away. Telling someone like me to 'find a way to get out of there' is really stupid. I'm not just lazy, or 'not trying'. I am trying. And so are many people who ask a sincere question only to recieve a useless quip as a response.
So I thought I'd help others like me who have no alternative but to stay in a toxic environment.

Firstly, get out whenever you can. I have the good fortune to live in Carnegie, a small borough near Pittsburgh where I am 10 minutes away from several shops, and 20 minutes from an independent coffee shop and a library (and an ice cream shop!). I used to spend a lot of time here before the following tip, sitting in the loft of the coffee shop or in the empty concert hall area in the library, where every little thing echoed but I was alone and I could relax and fill my mind with healthy things that counteracted the poison I was recieving at home.

The next most important thing, if it's possible for you, is to make your bedroom like a mini-apartment, or sanctuary. This might seem silly, but it really helps me distance myself from the toxic environment in the rest of the house. I have some (non-refrigerated, obviously) food and bottles of water, and some plates and silverware in a storage drawer, and I used a body pillow on my bed (against the wall) for a couch. If you have a bigger bedroom than me you can really go crazy with it. Mini fridge! Actual couch! My room is already full of things that fuel me and motivate/inspire me, and it really creates a positive environment. I have a microscopic bedroom, and it works very well, so if you've got a little more upstairs real estate, it should be brilliant. I spend most nights here, and a lot of time during the day as well. It's a positive atmosphere and it's wonderful to look around and be in a space that is 100% mine, and portrays me and my tastes and nothing else. Psychologically, it's wonderful.

Fill your time with things that make you feel good, that keep you hopeful and positive. Books, music, (for me it's mostly YouTube), whatever fuels you. My anxiety and depression makes me stay in a lot, and it's important to be around other people who don't poison you sometimes. I joined a social anxiety Meetup group last year, and though its hard to force myself to do it, every time I have it's made me feel amazing. Doing this you may find other people who are like you, who have been through some similar things, and that helps an incredible amount. Also it makes me feel good to do things on my own, to prove to myself that I don't need the abusive person to get along.

My fur baby, Kacey, is a source of endless joy for me and, despite being a...well..less than cuddle-prone creature, she makes me happy no matter what situation I'm in or how I'm feeling. I'm not saying you should get a dog, but...maybe you should get a dog.

I'm just saying.

Dreamer's House 2.0 : Starting Over

Hi, I'm Shannon, but I prefer Shay or Katie.
Welcome to the revamped version of The Dreamer's House. New look, new attitude, new (regular) content. I'll be posting twice a week, either photoblogs or talking about anxiety, depression, or stuttering. More specifics to come as I work out the kinks.

With Dreamer's House 2.0, I want to work on producing more professional content, on a regular basis. More polished work, not so much stream of consciousness, late night tumblr stuff. A little step-up in quality while still remaining a hopefully useful, helpful resource for people with anxiety, depression, and/or a stutter. If that's the kind of thing you're into, please stick around. There's good stuff to come.